Youtube

What is something you like that others don’t “understand”? Is it a specific activity you do that your friends think is weird? A type of literature that people you hang out with don’t read? Is it something your friends do that you partake in more frequently because of personal interest? The last one is what I want to talk about today because with that one I can speak from my own personal experiences. What am I talking about exactly? Well, prepare yourselves because my thoughts and feelings about Youtube are finally coming out. This should be fun.

As many people know I have somewhat of an affinity for Youtube. I have an account, follow many people on there who regularly post videos and have even tried my hand at posting videos as well (figured out pretty quickly that I had no idea what I was doing and stopped though). My point is that I consider Youtube a major interest/hobby of mine. Some people probably think this is weird or bizarre and some people have even outright told me it is. To most people Youtube is simply a website with a ton of videos about everything so if you need to find something to laugh at just go there because it is basically Wikipedia in video form. Basically, to most people it is a time-waster so when most people hear I am very involved and interested in Youtube they think I am just a lazy bum who sits around and watched videos all day for no reason whatsoever. To me (and many others around the world) Youtube is much more than that though.

Youtube is my escape from reality. Many people usually put something like reading, writing, watching movies, playing video games, or baking in this category. I put Youtube. I’m interested in everything else I just mentioned (aside from baking since I have zero skill) and do use them at times as an escape as well but Youtube is the main one for me. If I am having a bad day at work or am just having a crappy day in general I know that when I get home I will have certain Youtube videos from people I am subscribed to waiting in my subscription box. It gives me something to look forward to. Mondays generally suck because it is the beginning of the week, but just knowing that Philip Defranco, Nicepeter, the Vlogbrothers, and maybe even Chuggaaconroy are going to post videos makes my day better. Most of you probably have no idea who any of those people are and that is fine by me. Go and check them out if you are curious. The fact of the matter is that regardless if I am in depression, angry at a friend, exhausted and unsure of what to do with my life, or something else, I know that I can go to Youtube, open up a video by one of them, and be assured at least 3 ½ minutes of escape from reality. Yes, that isn’t much, but it helps me to get my head on straight and think clearly. Sometimes all you need to do to turn your day around is to just smile and laugh and those Youtubers – as well as many others – help me to do that.

So, if you still think Youtube is simply a website and any person who does more than just watch a video or two recommended to them is weird, that is fine by me. Think that way if you want to. It will mean more to me regardless of what anyone thinks because I know that I will still get enjoyment out of it even if others do not understand it. Case in point, there was a Youtube concert tour called the Digitour that came to Lawrence this past summer. It was basically a tour of musicians on Youtube that had gained some popularity to the outside world. I told some friends about it and they thought it was “cool” but no one was interested in going, so I decided to go alone. That was the best concert I have ever been to. I met a ton of awesome people who understood my love for Youtube because they had the same interest in it, and I got to hear some of the best live music I have ever heard by some people I have gotten to know over the months simply through them posting videos for me and the world to see. I honestly could not have asked for more, and I will simply continue to be grateful that this website exists for not only my enjoyment and well-being but for others as well.

Enter into my brain for a minute

I wouldn’t consider myself a selfish person (although we all are in some way), but man I wish something could go my way right now. My life isn’t exactly crumbling around me, but my life at the moment is revolving 100% around work and I just want that to change. My week basically consists of me going to work and then me being exhausted when I get home from work. Rinse, repeat. That is no bueno. There is so much pressure on me at work right now that all I can think about is not screwing up, but that doesn’t seem to work out very well because things have not gotten better and the pressure just continues to build. I just wish I could take a break and just breathe, but that is not possible with everything that is being thrown at me right now. Every day I go into work wondering if it will be my last day. With the conversations I have had with my boss I am just expecting her to pull the trigger sometime soon and just fire me. Many people have told me this fear is ridiculous and I want to believe them, but I still expect it. I cannot deny it any longer: I have an insane amount of pressure on me right now and I cannot deal with it all by myself. The hardest part is I don’t know who to tell that to. Usually people just say “it will be ok” and “you’re doing well” but don’t have any opportunity to actually help me physically with what I need to accomplish. I’m afraid to tell some people because I don’t want to look weak in this position because then I’ll be afraid even more that I will be fired.
There are times when I seriously feel like either my head is going to explode or my heart is just going to stop because of the stress I have felt recently. There are times at work when I will just grab my chest because it my heart hurts so bad from the stress. That is not healthy. The worst part about it is that I cannot see an end to this. I wish I could say I do, but I do not. Even with my new boss I do not see how this can get to a point where I can enjoy my job again. Call me cynical all you want, I am fine with that. Trust me though, I want to be optimistic, but it is very hard to be optimistic when you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve gotten to the point where I am just praying like crazy before every shift because I’m so afraid of what could happen. I just beg God to give me strength to get through the work day and to allow me another day of financial support from my job. I know I should always be doing this, but I want to do it out of joy and gratefulness not out of desperation and fear.
If you are wondering why I am still working there if I’m having all these problems, don’t get me wrong, I’m trying to find a way out. I have been looking for a new job since January and have been unsuccessful. The hardest part is finding a place in Lawrence or KC (Topeka as well, but preferably not) that either fits my qualifications or is entry-level with fairly good pay. In a perfect world I just want to find something I could easily start with that also requires a college degree. That way I would have time to learn the job while still feeling like the 4 years at KU meant something. I have interviewed with a number of places but none of them have worked out. I’m always good but not great enough to be hired. I’m just hoping and praying something works out soon, both for my professional interests and for my health because I’m not sure how much longer I can take this stress.
I’m going to end this with a request directed at two different groups of people. To those who work with me: please do not pass this around at work and talk about it. I am posting this for eyes to see as a public blog, but if my managers found out I am thinking about leaving I do not know how much worse work would be. I am willing to take that risk since I am the one putting these thoughts out there, but I want to make sure people know how I am feeling so I’m willing to take that risk. I am just hoping you adhere to my request. To everyone else: please pray that I could find peace in my current job and would have more success in finding another job. I know the power of prayer first-hand, so simply having you all lift me up would help out immensely.

90

There I was goin’ 90
Miles an hour straight into my destiny
Woken up by an oak tree
Trying to take me to eternity
And I began wondering, “why did this happen to me?”
Why am I the one dealing with this tragedy?
I blamed God for this monstrosity
Thinking he had no sympathy
No empathy
No words that could fix me
Then I began wondering if he was even the real thing
I can’t hear the angels sing
All I can hear is the blaring
Of these sirens, the glaring
Of my roommates eyes and the staring
Of people on the side of the road which got me thinking
Maybe God is just a shtick
No proof like in mathematics
Just some magic tricks
As frail as pick-up sticks
As real as the river Styx
Oh man this is making me pissed!
So let’s calm down and make a list
Of all the points I have missed
In my anger
Why am I thinking this way?
What do my friends have to say?
Is there a reason why I came out unhurt from this dismay?
Then I began to say
That I began to see
What He had done in my life and eternity
He began to show me
His humbly
incredibly
beautifully
powerfully
designed world and I simply had to be
part of it to be included
which I then concluded
meant he had to be real
I didn’t have to feel
Like I had to deal
with my ways alone
Because His ways are as strong as steel
And if I can deal
With it then so can you
Yes, this might be hard, but it isn’t if you know what you are fighting for
I don’t hide behind paper doors
Hope to live in a heaven on glass floors
I don’t believe in weak crap like thatanymore
I know I stand firm on stone
I know I will never be alone
Because God would never disown
One of his children even if they want to leave home
My world crumbled into a heap
Because I, not God, fell asleep
And I had to dig deep
To realize that the battle is almost always steep
And if we don’t take a leap
Of faith we will never get even a peep
At what is in our plan.
90 miles an hour into a tree
Is what it took me
To fully believe in His destiny
I pray that you would be stronger biblically
Spiritually
And humbly
Realize that you don’t want to end up like me
At the end of that tragedy
Because while I was fine physically
I lost what mattered to me spiritually.
And while I am following him fully
Now, you may not be so lucky.

Observations

Matt is doing research. Jess is doing math homework. Ross is playing games. I am writing this. Music is playing upstairs. Ross is talking with Jess. I and Matt are silent. Girls next to us are doing homework. Jon is doing his coffee thing.
Observation is a fascinating thing and most people pay way too much attention to it. Looking and listening to people around me I can figure out a number of things. Based off of the music and noises I hear upstairs I can conclude that the people up there either have an interest in dancing or have an interest in someone else who is dancing. I know Jon works here because I see him behind the counter helping customers. I know these girls near me are students because of the conversation they are having and the material in front of them. However, do I know if anything is bothering Matt because he is doing research? No. Do I know what Jon struggles with in his faith because he works here? No. Do I know these girls’ fears just because they are working on homework? No. Observation is a necessity in life, but it is up to us to decide how much we use it and that choice is more important than people think.
There is no way of telling a person’s life based solely off of what they are wearing or what they have. That person with the nice laptop could have gotten it from his parents as a gift while he is struggling to scrounge up enough money to pay rent. Those two girls sitting next to me could be having a great time while they are here, but for all I know one of them could be tormented because she likes the ex of the other and doesn’t know how to tell her and is afraid to say anything because she doesn’t want to ruin the friendship she has. Observation is based solely off of surface which is where it needs to stay. Even though I know the general area of where a person’s heart is when I see them, I couldn’t tell you how their heart is or what they are passionate about. These questions can only be answered by getting to know the people around you.
The idea for this topic hit me tonight but what helped spur it was a video I saw today about this little kid from Africa talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s movie Commando. 9-year-old Alex knew this movie so well and he gave the entire plot with sound effects and movements and everything. It was a great thing to watch. However, what struck me the most was the end of the video. The video ended with a few statements, the most significant ones being “Alex is not an orphan” and “Alex is not a guerrilla fighter.” We have this general idea of kids in Africa being troubled, parent-less and constantly having to make the decision to fight in some way. This video campaign is there to show us that that is not the case at all. Alex is just a typical 9-year-old boy. He likes movies and having fun and he is a very bright kid. However, without the description of the video and the graphics before and after it, most people would probably think Alex was another troubled kid in Africa. They probably would have thought he was in a refugee camp needing food and he just so happened to be the lucky one who got to be on camera. These ideas of what other people are like constantly bombard us because it is easier for us to think that this person is impoverished than to choose to love them and care about them just because of a video that was seen online.
I am also guilty of this on a daily basis. Working in retail I see tons of people come in and out of the front doors and I know there is definitely a few times a day when I make snap judgments on people, sometimes without even realizing it. I have the luxury of actually going up and talking to these people, but helping them find an item usually is not a window into getting to know who they truly are. I found this out the hard way a couple weeks ago. A lady came into the store and wanted a lot of housewares items, more than the typical customer. She was getting place settings and plates, and a vacuum, and some pots and pans, etc. You name it, she probably got it. Well, to start up conversation I asked her if she was moving somewhere because she was getting a ton of new stuff. I come to find out she has finally decided to divorce her abusive husband after 20 years and let him keep the house so she basically needs to start over. I was shocked by what I was hearing and part of me was slightly regretting asking her, but I am really glad I did ask her. This lady was broken and needed someone to talk to. I would not have known that if I would have simply helped her and gone on my way.
The other reason I wanted to write this is because I began thinking about my own life and what people observe with me. I have no idea what people’s observations are of me, but I know for a fact they have no idea what is going on underneath the surface. I know that because no one knows that and even if the person came up and talked with me they still might not find that out. I am very good at masking emotions and whether it is lying to someone about how I am or simply looking happy in a public place I will try and make sure people do not realize the turmoil I am going through. For me, my problems have always been my problems and I don’t want anyone else to know about them because I’m afraid people will simply brush them off and deem them worthless or will judge me for them. The truth is though; those are the times, at least for me, when I need people to ask me how I’m doing and what is wrong. For me that is the only way I will open up.
If you don’t understand this then I am not surprised. I write what comes out of my brain with few filters. I wish this were more focused and less scatter-brained but as long as my point comes across clearly I do not care how it is written. The bottom line is this: don’t make snap judgments. Observing something is one thing, taking it a step further and assuming something is something else entirely. Everyone in this world struggles with something, so don’t be jealous of someone else or “hate” someone else just because it seems like they have it better than you. Doing that will simply make you selfish wondering why people aren’t paying attention to your problems. Trust me: people do care about your problems and do want to know who you are behind what we observe. Sometimes you just have to take initiative in fostering those friendships and conversations with people around you.
Now I sit here. I have moved locations. I am now in my apartment. In my bedroom. At my desk. Looking around wondering what judgments people would make based off of what is in my room. In the end though it doesn’t matter because whether they thought bad of me or not based off of my room, they still don’t know me. This is simply a snapshot of my life. If you want to know me then ask me.
My name is Steven Griswold and I am a recent graduate trying to figure out how to live in this crazy world. Who are you?