Youtube

What is something you like that others don’t “understand”? Is it a specific activity you do that your friends think is weird? A type of literature that people you hang out with don’t read? Is it something your friends do that you partake in more frequently because of personal interest? The last one is what I want to talk about today because with that one I can speak from my own personal experiences. What am I talking about exactly? Well, prepare yourselves because my thoughts and feelings about Youtube are finally coming out. This should be fun.

As many people know I have somewhat of an affinity for Youtube. I have an account, follow many people on there who regularly post videos and have even tried my hand at posting videos as well (figured out pretty quickly that I had no idea what I was doing and stopped though). My point is that I consider Youtube a major interest/hobby of mine. Some people probably think this is weird or bizarre and some people have even outright told me it is. To most people Youtube is simply a website with a ton of videos about everything so if you need to find something to laugh at just go there because it is basically Wikipedia in video form. Basically, to most people it is a time-waster so when most people hear I am very involved and interested in Youtube they think I am just a lazy bum who sits around and watched videos all day for no reason whatsoever. To me (and many others around the world) Youtube is much more than that though.

Youtube is my escape from reality. Many people usually put something like reading, writing, watching movies, playing video games, or baking in this category. I put Youtube. I’m interested in everything else I just mentioned (aside from baking since I have zero skill) and do use them at times as an escape as well but Youtube is the main one for me. If I am having a bad day at work or am just having a crappy day in general I know that when I get home I will have certain Youtube videos from people I am subscribed to waiting in my subscription box. It gives me something to look forward to. Mondays generally suck because it is the beginning of the week, but just knowing that Philip Defranco, Nicepeter, the Vlogbrothers, and maybe even Chuggaaconroy are going to post videos makes my day better. Most of you probably have no idea who any of those people are and that is fine by me. Go and check them out if you are curious. The fact of the matter is that regardless if I am in depression, angry at a friend, exhausted and unsure of what to do with my life, or something else, I know that I can go to Youtube, open up a video by one of them, and be assured at least 3 ½ minutes of escape from reality. Yes, that isn’t much, but it helps me to get my head on straight and think clearly. Sometimes all you need to do to turn your day around is to just smile and laugh and those Youtubers – as well as many others – help me to do that.

So, if you still think Youtube is simply a website and any person who does more than just watch a video or two recommended to them is weird, that is fine by me. Think that way if you want to. It will mean more to me regardless of what anyone thinks because I know that I will still get enjoyment out of it even if others do not understand it. Case in point, there was a Youtube concert tour called the Digitour that came to Lawrence this past summer. It was basically a tour of musicians on Youtube that had gained some popularity to the outside world. I told some friends about it and they thought it was “cool” but no one was interested in going, so I decided to go alone. That was the best concert I have ever been to. I met a ton of awesome people who understood my love for Youtube because they had the same interest in it, and I got to hear some of the best live music I have ever heard by some people I have gotten to know over the months simply through them posting videos for me and the world to see. I honestly could not have asked for more, and I will simply continue to be grateful that this website exists for not only my enjoyment and well-being but for others as well.

Enter into my brain for a minute

I wouldn’t consider myself a selfish person (although we all are in some way), but man I wish something could go my way right now. My life isn’t exactly crumbling around me, but my life at the moment is revolving 100% around work and I just want that to change. My week basically consists of me going to work and then me being exhausted when I get home from work. Rinse, repeat. That is no bueno. There is so much pressure on me at work right now that all I can think about is not screwing up, but that doesn’t seem to work out very well because things have not gotten better and the pressure just continues to build. I just wish I could take a break and just breathe, but that is not possible with everything that is being thrown at me right now. Every day I go into work wondering if it will be my last day. With the conversations I have had with my boss I am just expecting her to pull the trigger sometime soon and just fire me. Many people have told me this fear is ridiculous and I want to believe them, but I still expect it. I cannot deny it any longer: I have an insane amount of pressure on me right now and I cannot deal with it all by myself. The hardest part is I don’t know who to tell that to. Usually people just say “it will be ok” and “you’re doing well” but don’t have any opportunity to actually help me physically with what I need to accomplish. I’m afraid to tell some people because I don’t want to look weak in this position because then I’ll be afraid even more that I will be fired.
There are times when I seriously feel like either my head is going to explode or my heart is just going to stop because of the stress I have felt recently. There are times at work when I will just grab my chest because it my heart hurts so bad from the stress. That is not healthy. The worst part about it is that I cannot see an end to this. I wish I could say I do, but I do not. Even with my new boss I do not see how this can get to a point where I can enjoy my job again. Call me cynical all you want, I am fine with that. Trust me though, I want to be optimistic, but it is very hard to be optimistic when you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve gotten to the point where I am just praying like crazy before every shift because I’m so afraid of what could happen. I just beg God to give me strength to get through the work day and to allow me another day of financial support from my job. I know I should always be doing this, but I want to do it out of joy and gratefulness not out of desperation and fear.
If you are wondering why I am still working there if I’m having all these problems, don’t get me wrong, I’m trying to find a way out. I have been looking for a new job since January and have been unsuccessful. The hardest part is finding a place in Lawrence or KC (Topeka as well, but preferably not) that either fits my qualifications or is entry-level with fairly good pay. In a perfect world I just want to find something I could easily start with that also requires a college degree. That way I would have time to learn the job while still feeling like the 4 years at KU meant something. I have interviewed with a number of places but none of them have worked out. I’m always good but not great enough to be hired. I’m just hoping and praying something works out soon, both for my professional interests and for my health because I’m not sure how much longer I can take this stress.
I’m going to end this with a request directed at two different groups of people. To those who work with me: please do not pass this around at work and talk about it. I am posting this for eyes to see as a public blog, but if my managers found out I am thinking about leaving I do not know how much worse work would be. I am willing to take that risk since I am the one putting these thoughts out there, but I want to make sure people know how I am feeling so I’m willing to take that risk. I am just hoping you adhere to my request. To everyone else: please pray that I could find peace in my current job and would have more success in finding another job. I know the power of prayer first-hand, so simply having you all lift me up would help out immensely.