I wouldn’t consider myself a selfish person (although we all are in some way), but man I wish something could go my way right now. My life isn’t exactly crumbling around me, but my life at the moment is revolving 100% around work and I just want that to change. My week basically consists of me going to work and then me being exhausted when I get home from work. Rinse, repeat. That is no bueno. There is so much pressure on me at work right now that all I can think about is not screwing up, but that doesn’t seem to work out very well because things have not gotten better and the pressure just continues to build. I just wish I could take a break and just breathe, but that is not possible with everything that is being thrown at me right now. Every day I go into work wondering if it will be my last day. With the conversations I have had with my boss I am just expecting her to pull the trigger sometime soon and just fire me. Many people have told me this fear is ridiculous and I want to believe them, but I still expect it. I cannot deny it any longer: I have an insane amount of pressure on me right now and I cannot deal with it all by myself. The hardest part is I don’t know who to tell that to. Usually people just say “it will be ok” and “you’re doing well” but don’t have any opportunity to actually help me physically with what I need to accomplish. I’m afraid to tell some people because I don’t want to look weak in this position because then I’ll be afraid even more that I will be fired.
There are times when I seriously feel like either my head is going to explode or my heart is just going to stop because of the stress I have felt recently. There are times at work when I will just grab my chest because it my heart hurts so bad from the stress. That is not healthy. The worst part about it is that I cannot see an end to this. I wish I could say I do, but I do not. Even with my new boss I do not see how this can get to a point where I can enjoy my job again. Call me cynical all you want, I am fine with that. Trust me though, I want to be optimistic, but it is very hard to be optimistic when you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve gotten to the point where I am just praying like crazy before every shift because I’m so afraid of what could happen. I just beg God to give me strength to get through the work day and to allow me another day of financial support from my job. I know I should always be doing this, but I want to do it out of joy and gratefulness not out of desperation and fear.
If you are wondering why I am still working there if I’m having all these problems, don’t get me wrong, I’m trying to find a way out. I have been looking for a new job since January and have been unsuccessful. The hardest part is finding a place in Lawrence or KC (Topeka as well, but preferably not) that either fits my qualifications or is entry-level with fairly good pay. In a perfect world I just want to find something I could easily start with that also requires a college degree. That way I would have time to learn the job while still feeling like the 4 years at KU meant something. I have interviewed with a number of places but none of them have worked out. I’m always good but not great enough to be hired. I’m just hoping and praying something works out soon, both for my professional interests and for my health because I’m not sure how much longer I can take this stress.
I’m going to end this with a request directed at two different groups of people. To those who work with me: please do not pass this around at work and talk about it. I am posting this for eyes to see as a public blog, but if my managers found out I am thinking about leaving I do not know how much worse work would be. I am willing to take that risk since I am the one putting these thoughts out there, but I want to make sure people know how I am feeling so I’m willing to take that risk. I am just hoping you adhere to my request. To everyone else: please pray that I could find peace in my current job and would have more success in finding another job. I know the power of prayer first-hand, so simply having you all lift me up would help out immensely.
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