First off, let me preface this really quickly. This was written on August 7th. I waited a couple weeks to post it for a number of reasons; the main one being that I wanted to make sure those of you that are still in school would be back and would be able to read this update. This note is written in two parts. The first part is a reflection on my 4 years in college and what I have experienced spiritually during those years. The last part specifically deals with my last note and an update on that. I have provided headings to each part just in case you only want to read my update on my last note. Enjoy!
Note: this was originally posted to facebook and meant for facebook, so I apologize for its references in this note.
Part 1: A Reflection
As I sit here in my new apartment in Topeka without internet, I realize that I have a lot more time on my hands than usual. I also realize how much I truly depend on the internet and how much time I did actually spend on it. Anyways, this lack of internet has given me an opportunity to watch movies and TV shows I have not seen in a while and look through some old things I’ve collected in the past. By looking through these things I’ve begun to reflect on my college career – specifically in the spiritual sense - and what these past four years have really meant to me. Moving to Topeka where I know absolutely no one reminds me of how many people I do truly know in Lawrence. However, Lawrence pretty much started out the exact same way as Topeka has. Yes, I did know one person when I came to KU. However, I unfortunately had a falling out with that person the first week of school and she ended up transferring back home after fall semester, so technically I knew no one. Now, you need to realize my thoughts during this first week of school. I became a Christian my senior year of high school (if you’ve never heard the story let me know. I’d love to tell it to you) so one of my biggest priorities when coming to KU was finding a group of Christians to hang out with. Luckily that took absolutely no time whatsoever and without me even knowing it I joined that group before I even got to KU.
After I graduated high school I got facebook and I was eager to friend a ton of people and join as many groups as possible, including groups at KU. While doing that I unknowingly joined a group called Campus Crusade for Christ at KU. I actually left the group a week later because I realized it was a student group and I wasn’t sure if I could be a part of it. I found out pretty quickly when I got to KU that I was definitely going to be a part of it. From the first time I set foot at the freshmen BBQ, I knew CRU was where I was supposed to be. Everyone seemed so loving and it seemed like God had just opened my eyes to what a Christian community should look like. This continued to the first weekly meeting where I was volunteered to participate in a game where I made a fool of myself. I don’t regret it in the least bit and I’m actually thankful for it because it busted open the shell I am so used to being in around new people. From then on, CRU became my new home. I met a ton of people, made some great friends, and learned and grew so much. My entire freshmen year was a time of growth and struggle, but in a good way. God says that he had to prune us to help us to grow even more, and I truly felt that. While I had pain, overall it was joyful. That first year my biggest regret was by far not answering God’s call to go to Vail, CO for a 10-week project with CRU. I got accepted and chickened out after seeing the amount I had to raise. That began the worst summer of my life. I couldn’t find a job so I spent the entire summer watching TV and doing nothing, slowly falling backwards in my walk with God.
As sophomore year started it seemed like I did not know much more than what I knew when freshmen year started, which would come back to haunt me very quickly. I was accepted as an RA in the dorms and was excited for that opportunity. I moved into McCollum a week earlier than everyone else for training and I was getting pumped for what my residents would be like. Unfortunately, at first I actually hated what I saw from my residents. I was still in this Christian bubble that I had been in for a couple years. Almost everyone I knew was either Christian or really didn’t care and it was never talked about. Knowing that, you’ll understand the shock and fear I had when on move-in day I came to find out from talking with some of my residents that there were at least 5 residents of mine who were either atheist or agnostic and they had some big opinions on the matter. I did not know what to do. Their ideas got into my head and to make matters worse during this time someone from back home who I went to church with turned completely away from religion. I did not know what to think. I knew nothing about apologetics and frankly didn’t want to learn either. I had been taught for the last two years that God is truth and I accepted that without studying on my own. Having these people question this, and me not having any way of giving evidence, hurt me….a lot. This doubt continued, but I still felt the need to participate in CRU and go to church and everything. I was indebted in CRU and it was the one thing I could count on every week. It was the only concrete thing in my life at the time. This uncertainty, though, persisted and I truly don’t remember exactly when it stopped. I think I just made the decision one day to follow God again. It made sense at the time, but later I would regret not knowing what the heck I did in that situation.
That summer went by with me in Myrtle Beach for a summer project with CRU. It was an amazing experience, as was Orlando the summer after my junior year, but in both situations I can’t help but feel like I cheated God in some way. I look back on both summers and it is hard for me to not dwell on what I did wrong and could have done differently. I grew a ton, but I stunted my own growth by not listening and doing my own thing. This behavior continued through my junior and senior year. I continued helping with CRU and was even becoming a leader, and a pretty big leader at that. By my senior year I was treasurer, bible study leader in McCollum, and leading the social team, among other duties throughout the year. However my senior year was truly no different than my junior year. I continued to rely on what was in front of me and not what was beyond. I still believed in God for sure, but I did absolutely nothing to grow closer to Him. I simply considered my three or four nights a week helping with CRU to be my fix, and house meeting where we prayed went in there too. This is how my entire senior year went and as I look back on it I regret that because even though that was true, I was still able to impact a ton of people. I can only imagine how many more people I would have been able to impact if I was actually making an effort to grow closer to the Lord outside of CRU.
Part 2: An Update
You’re probably wondering why I’m writing all of this and why I’m publishing this on facebook. Well, as many of you know I was in a pretty serious accident this past May. If you are not aware, I fell asleep at the wheel, tried bringing the car back onto the road, lost control, hit a van, and then careened into a ditch and smacked head on into a tree going 90, totaling the car I was driving at the time. While I am still feeling the pain of that accident financially, I walked away with nothing wrong physically other than a minor scratch on my hand. However, while I should have died in the crash (the police officer confirmed that) for all intensive purposes I did. Spiritually, I was gone. My faith in God left when I hit that tree because I distinctly remember praying for God’s safety on that ride home. Minutes later I am waking up watching the car go into the gravel on the left side of the highway. Then I lost control altogether. The big thing to remember is that I really wasn’t spending time with God at all. It was simply CRU. So, my view of God wasn’t the greatest. I asked Him for things I wanted and never talked to Him again. This is the same as what happened the day of the crash. My mind was in a whirlwind. I didn’t know what to think, so I blamed the easiest person: God. I got into a rhythm where if anything bad happened, I blamed God and got angry with Him. This time was no different. I blamed Him at first, but then I began thinking about whether or not he was truly there at all. I was taught that he was supposed to keep us safe from danger. Yeah, I was completely fine, but I SHOULD have died.
That got me to thinking maybe he was not keeping us safe. Actually, maybe he is simply not there at all. This began processing in my head. While I was thinking about this I still truly had no emotion and had no idea who to turn to, so it continued to process in my head. That was until I decided to publish it and let everyone know. In that note I stated very clearly that at that point in time I was agnostic. I wanted to believe God was there because that is what I was taught, but I had nothing to go off of to support that argument. This statement led to many responses from people I have talked to a lot and others who surprised me by responding. However the biggest surprise to me was three of my roommates wanting to meet with me. I agreed reluctantly and met with them. In hindsight it was a very good meeting and very necessary, but at the time I did not want to explain anything. I was set on this mindset and I was going to figure it out for myself in my own time. So I did that. I set out to figure out whether or not God was real. My skepticism continued for quite a while, but I was attempting to figure out whether or not God was truly there. In my mind I still wanted Him to be real, so I used that mindset to figure things out. I read A Case for Faith by Lee Strobel and even though I never actually finished the book it had the answers I was looking for. Those foundational points I needed my sophomore year and somehow jumped over were finally there. It simply took my whole faith castle crumbling down for me to finally be able to start a stronger foundation. Through this, I also began praying and reading more. It was summer and all I was doing was taking classes. No summer projects; no CRU; just classes. This was the best thing for me. Not having the safety net that CRU had become for me to fall back on, I realized how important it was for me to be in charge of my own walk with God. I was able to read and pray more than I had done on my own since freshmen year. Through that I was finally able to actually grow personally in my walk with God. I realized that my time in CRU consisted of me wanting to make sure everyone else was growing and felt welcome, but I forgot completely about my own spiritual well-being. It took being rocked to the core and not having CRU to realize this.
I say this as I’m sitting in my apartment, alone but not alone. I know that there is at least one other person in this apartment with me, and I am desperately seeking Him every day. You may still be wondering why I’m writing all this down and publishing it for you to read. Well, quite simply, it took a near-death experience, something that should have been my last experience on Earth, for me to realize these things. I can only hope and pray that it would not take something as severe for you to realize how truly important it is to seek Him in your own time as much as possible and to make sure that the foundation of your faith is strong and willing to be tested. I was blessed with a second chance. You might not be, so please take advantage of the time that you still have and get to know Him more.
Resting in Him,
Steven
